Understanding Mental Health Through the Lens of Relational Trauma
People are capable of healing relational trauma through corrective experiences in therapy.
"Trauma" has become a buzzword today, yet what trauma does to a person internally is not that clear to everyone. To quote Gabor Maté, the Hungarian-Canadian physician and writer, trauma is not what happened to you; it is what happened inside of you.
As social animals, we are born to search for connection with other humans. We constantly scan for signals around us to confirm if we are welcomed and cared for, for survival reasons. In that sense, the experience of being dismissed or belittled, or abandoned, confirms our deepest fear. Abuse, neglect, and maltreatment of children lead to relational trauma. Childhood relational traumas continue to impact a person’s experience with themselves and the world as they enter adulthood. In therapy sessions, I notice that relational trauma poses several challenges to a person's mental health:
Negative Self-perception
Relational trauma, or developmental trauma, is a repeated experience of injuries to our self-worth and self-leadership. Children, before they are strong enough to set boundaries against harm, use adults’ input as materials to continuously build their self-perception. Children can interpret adults’ insults and neglect as shame and feeling unworthy.
Poor emotional regulation
One’s capacity to handle stress (or the internalization of stress—their emotions) varies tremendously. Most people develop the capacity to regulate their emotions through experiences with their caregivers. Caregivers’ modeling (of handling their own emotions) and protection are the two main sources of kids’ emotional regulation learning. In other words, caregivers help kids develop their nervous system to regulate emotions.
Lack of resilience
As social animals, we constantly scan signals of connection/disconnection in relationships to assess safety (“I’m not alone.”). This sense of togetherness brings hope and makes people more flexible and creative when facing difficulties. In other words, people have more strategies for solvable problems and more tolerance for unsolvable problems when feeling supported. On the contrary, early relational trauma makes it extremely hard for people to build trust and work through ruptures in relationships.
Vulnerable nervous system
"You have me on your back" calms our nervous system. Relational trauma constantly sends signals to our nervous system, saying: “you are alone. You are not safe. Nobody cares about you.” No wonder we quickly get into the “fight or flight or freeze” mode even under small triggers. In that state, we are more rigid and tunnel-visioned. Our body also experiences stress which weakens our immune system, causing varying physical symptoms. Interpersonal neurobiology is increasingly studied and emphasized these days in therapy, shedding new light on our understanding of being human.
Feeling powerlessness in relationships
People develop relationships while referencing their past relational experiences. Relational trauma limits one’s ability to create relationships that are the opposite of what they are familiar with. As a result, lots of people find themselves stuck in similar abusive relationships. While they are confused about why they always have bad luck, they may need to learn how to share power instead of giving up power in a relationship.
Promising results in my own therapy practice give me hope—people are capable of healing relational trauma through corrective experiences in therapy. In my practice, I integrate Emotionally-Focused Therapy, Internal Family Systems, Somatic Experiencing, Solution-Focused Therapy, and Feminism Therapy to create corrective experiences on the relational, somatic, and emotional levels.
I’m seeing mental health counseling moving into a new era: therapists are more focused and confident with the deepening understanding of relational trauma and its treatment.
